1.cabinet with a mirror

The fingerprints on the central lock were greasy and larger than average. Slowly.. as if with caution, his hand travelled up from the lock over the shaft of the handbrake. Once he reached the base of the metal rod connected to it he paused for a few seconds and looked up into the rear view mirror. His eyes moved up and to the right. He stayed like this…steady but slightly swaying in the dark of the car. He could barely smell but there was a hint of oak and liquorice in the air. He was not sure if the smell had come from his breath or if it was merely his imagination. He could smell pain, the pain was caused by the muscles connected to the cartilage in the inner walls of his nose. Earlier that night someone must have hit him in a manner which suggested distaste and disregard for his well being and their safety.

He could not help his senses, they amplified and muted themselves without a bother to his mind. His touch was numb and even though he new his hands were touching the sleek black leather of seats and his finger tips traced the texture and lines of the handbrake, his nose picking up the bitter sweet combination of that liquorice and oak, something was amiss. Even though his eyes did look into the rear view mirror and did move up and to the right..he did not know who he was or where he was. His vision blurred enough to make small tasks labour but not stifling and a voice in the back of his head told him not to wait here but not to leave just yet.

His right arm left its place on his shoulder and swung down to his right knee and then up into the hole where the ignition key resides. He turned the key and once again noted the grease on his fingers. The car made an unfamiliar sound, it was quieter than before, less mechanical…more electrical. The outer edge of his buttocks were beginning to go numb and he was beginning to slip down, and towards the accelerator. He heaved his body back into a well grounded position. Once again placed his hand on the handbrake, pushed in the button which released the spring locked mechanism and allowed the car to roll back slowly out of the parking bay and down the drive way. It was cold outside, and the windows carried tears of moisture as the weather outside tried to force its way through the steel carcass of the car. When he reached the base of the property he rolled down the window, reached out with a heavy arm and pressed..for a little to long to be polite..the button on the security intercom. A man answered. His voice scratchy and without bass over the low quality speaker inside the voice box before him. “it wasn’t my fault” said the voice…”I love you…..brother” The gate began to open from the inside out, chains rattling as the area widened into the open road. He could feel an unexpected warm on his cheek, a tear running down and onto his lips. Irritating the small hairs under his nose. He did not know why he was crying…his emotions overcame him. He drove shaking, on into the darkness. Counting the yellow lines on the road..which seemed to salute him as they disappeared under the belly of the automobile.

The next morning at 6a.m. the man awoke in a bed that was not his, he knew this because it smelled of stale semen and year’s supply of old cigarette ash. He pulled back the covers and watched these legs as they moved with the rest of this body until they hit the cold floor and accepted the pressure of the rest of his mass wanting to regain gravity. He walked to the blinds that kept the room in a strip club catacomb.

His eyes did not appreciate the light and so at their request he pulled them closed again. He moved over to the bath room and flicked the switch on the wall. A halogen light flickered pathetically for about half a minute and finally stayed steady. A sudden fear overcame the man when he noticed a medicine cabinet with a mirror…and as he raised his head from the basin to gaze at himself this fear anesthetised him for the shock of what he understood was his life. Who the F….

I had always thought that I was familiar with my own appearance, but today as I stand here in this sallow morning light I can honestly not say with certainty that I recognise any of the features which make up the face that belongs to me. I do not remember these sunken eyes with a haunting sadness, much less such a dominant jaw…god, I could break walls with this thing! This face…this body with its weather beaten history of torn skin and stained teeth. Unkept and certainly untouched by a lover that cared. Never in the history of any man has a morning felt this cold. But with the depression of this moment I shared with no other..came what seemed to be comfort which pacified me, it assured me that now was the time to realise who I am. I pulled back my lips to make sure…and with no doubt in hell there they were, the same yellow teeth, crooked. This was not a dream.

I had awoken with another assumption. That I had slept alone..but as I returned into the bedroom I got the faintest sent of perfume..it was something cheap. Cheap like those fucking imitation roses with the fake rain drops and the wire stalks. I liked this smell for what it was under the surface…made to hide the beautiful in its ugliness. Judging by my current state of appearance and grooming It became clear that I had not slept alone. “Good morning” the door creaked open and from behind it I could see a red dress enter. Slowly licking the base of the door and then as quickly as it came it vanished. The perfume smell was now right in here with me…grabbing me by the balls and…well…saying good morning to the other man. If you get my meaning. I did not sleep alone, but no more alone than someone does in a room with their angels and demons on any other sunday.

And now I was hungry…

So I took my new used body to go eat.

The air outside the room was nice. The sun was bright and there was a bird or two, in the sky…one next to a dumpster..not looking as good as the others, probably because it was dead.

No kidding…this place was called the easy sleep. To be honest I couldn’t argue with it ironically..because I seemed to have slept so easily that I did not know who I was, who I was with or where I came from…and how did I get here..where the fuck is here?.


So I walked inside the café and was hit with the smell of coffee, and I gave my body some…and three breakfast sausages, two fried tomatoes, three runny eggs..roast potatoes, mushrooms, bacon, orange juice..the works.


There are only five situations where a man eats this good…when he’s just fucked the girl of his dreams, killed his worst enemy or his best friend, survived a drug overdose without the coats or won the lottery. I checked my hands for blood, I checked my room for a bag of cash…I check the surprisingly nice car I “arrived” in for cable ties, a knife, drugs…and I only found a bottle of lupini black. It smelled like oak and liquorice.

So my self assigned task for the day was to get a clue…any clue..and I started with a waitress called Laura. She was short and dirty blonde..the movie stereotypes came from girls like laura, always wearing her skirts too high, chewing bubblegum and playing with her hair like she was auditioning for a part as an extra in cocktail just so she could meet tom cruise. Those big blue eyes that hid nothing of the sort that should be hid…atleast until the third date. She was nice…but she didn’t know more about me than she could tell from the way I ate my breakfast…that she had been with guys like me before..and after the first three weeks she didn’t like it anymore…and after the last twenty seven times she finally stopped forgetting that she did. we didn’t talk much.

So back to the room to pack up my shit…nothing. So….back to the car “Hey mister! You planning on paying the bill today? I hope your not gonna try making a run for it like….” “Im not a criminal! I’ll be staying another night.” “This ain’t no four star place..we don’t give cre…” “As soon as I find my wallet I will settle the bill for the room, ma’am.” “I’m glad to hear that.” “Good day.”

Fucking cheap motel managers. Always treating everyone who stays in these less than luxurious rooms like their part of their extended families. At least the car was black.

Standing here in this parking lot I find myself suddenly despair. My current circumstance is nothing other than disappointing although every now and then little sparks of excitement jolt me back to life like some emotional Frankenstein monster. I lean on the car…it was a nice day but a hot day because the roof burns my hands as I lean in. I bear the pain until my body absorbs the majority. I can see the heat rise off the road. A couple leaves the café where I had my orgasmic breakfast. The woman is of average height and weight with Average blonde hair and blue eyes, she has an average smile which she is directing at her average boyfriend, husband, lover. He too has an average smile and is in turn directing it at her. They get into their average car...and share one average kiss before they begin to move in the direction of the highway that seems to lead away from here.

I stand there resting on the roof of my car wondering why it is that even though I realise that these people are so absurdly average..I envy their lives which I know so little about. What is it inside me that wishes I was not me. I feel my soul momentarily escape this steel giant and float like a well crafted kite into the air, the cool moist clouds gently holding me in their embrace. Then I return to my cage..my new old cage. My eyes are heavy and I can feel that waxy build up in their corners. I lift my arm like so many deodorant commercials and sniff…it smells like overcooked burger. I need a shower…and then it comes back to me… I remember my name.

2. wife one

She woke up with a pain in her left cheek, the muscle was tight with blood from crushed tissue. She tried to open her eyes but they wouldn’t. The more she tried to force them the more it burned…like spraying yourself in the face with pepper spray. The tears that tried to force their way out from behind her eyelids didn’t help either. She began focusing on her other senses to locate herself and her situation. It smelled like manure in this space…black and blue. She tried to shuffle her feet but she realised that she wasn’t sitting. She was tied at her ankles and wrists on something that kept her shaped like an x . She began to notice a cool breeze move from the bottom of the room up and over her body. She was naked. She became more acutely aware of her sense of touch. She could feel the varnish on the wood her body was pressed up against…the areas where her flesh had gone numb and the burning open skin under the restraints…her restraints…and her eyes still wouldn’t open or stop burning. It became clear that she was no longer sitting in the park watching the sunset.. that she was not on her way to John to tell him she accepted his offer to move in with him..against her mother’s wishes. She was nowhere near anything pleasant. A door opened…her eyelids changed from black to warm reds and oranges.. The cool air on her body was becoming warmer. “Hello!” whats going on here?” “Where am I”…nothing. Her heart racing faster. She felt compelled to direct her sense of touch to her face. There was someone or something there…warm breath was moving over her cheek and under her nose. The smell of mint entered her head. She could hear chewing and the gentle rattling of steel chains as they rubbed against one another. Something began to scratch the surface of her eyes as she shifted them from left to right. The burning only got worse.

Her tongue was pushed back in her mouth and her jaw was beginning to ache..she tried to shift her tongue but something was in the way. She tried to close her jaw but couldn’t. The thing in her mouth was hard rubber and round, her teeth ached. The shape was just the right size to fill the open space of her mouth. She started to panic and breathed harder through her nose…which was slightly blocked from hardened mucus. Everything felt and tasted wrong. The words she thought she had shouted out before never left her mind. She was a university honours major just a few months ago..and her John had just asked her to move in with him and everything was going great. On that day, the last day, she was on her way to his apartment.
She decided to walk against the wishes of her mother. John was a plain enough name, but didn’t match her man at all. The sun was so beautiful and she needed to be alone for one last afternoon before she told him. That she was going to have his child with him, in his house...against the wishes of her mother. It was then that she felt the hands on her belly..she could barely feel them but they were there. The smell of manure was not that at all but her own faeces.

She began to get the image of someone in her head…blurred…blurred…slowly coming into focus. A man…in his late forties a fresh cut across his lower lip. She remembered looking at him as he passed by her on the last day she remembers..she wouldn’t have noticed him if he hadn’t walked by so closely..so close she could smell the mint on his breath. She thought to herself as he walked by that he was not bad looking..and thinking that she shouldn’t be looking at other men minutes before she gave her decision to John.

Jst rlx…she heard the words rasp..as she heard them her heart skipped a beat…as she kept drifting in and out of that day…as the man passed her by…as she feared for her child unborn, and as she smelled the mint…as he disappeared that was it. That’s when she felt a sharp pain in her head. As the sun set in seconds…as everything went black and blue. She was falling, falling deeper. The slip of a knife, the sound of fluid hitting a floor and The fist cry of a child…and then She was lost to all.

3.His name

He remembered his name, I remembered my name. “My name is Evolution!” said Evolution, said I! “I am a son but not a father and have no mother.”

4.novelty

With this new knowledge, the knowledge of my name ringing clear in my head...I choose to ignore the past, its easier to just stumble into the future one foot lunged in front of the other. I’m back at the cafe and i’m playing a little game. I stare at the other customers, I stare at them long enough to memorize one of their features..usually the more grotesque and the more interesting therefore the most memorable. There’s a guy across from me who looks like he hasn’t seen the light of day for at least four months..his skin is pale and flaky and covered in faded red spots. His frame is lurched over his coffee..letting the steam lap at the bottom of his chin. He is wearing a white short sleeve t shirt and faded jeans with ivory alligator skin shoes. The whiteness of his outfit does not hide... his eyes which are grey blue and strained by daylight..so many tiny little red fissures illuminated within their shiny glass orbs.

His hands are sweaty and leave a residue on everything they touch. As I stare so intently at this fellow, I fail to realise the owner of the apartments has been throwing what little stuff I had with me out of the room which I was under the impression I was still inhabiting. I walk outside, surprisingly calm. I walk up behind her, lean in over her shoulder and ask her if there is a problem. She turns around infuriated...but she is hiding something, there is fear in the air. She stands back and the hairs on her arms are beginning to stand up. Im not sure why i feel so lucid. During all this shouting and quivering infront of me i realise that she appears just as white as the man in the cafe if not more...i dddon tt know why but i feel so lucid. I donnt kkno but i don’t know but i feel so....i feel like dirty laundry...i feel dirty laundry.

5. Like father like son

Son..the old man said to me, Son! We are all just reflections of one another. Well...today, I break this mirror, the one between you and I. You see, I am your father and you, you are my boy. He wasn’t shaky like most people who were around me. He spoke in the tone of familiars. I couldnt understand what must have preceded this meeting..but I was sure going to find out. From an opposite corner in the room another voice came. Lets leave dad. He isn’t with us anymore. Should we kill him? “No!” the man who claimed to be my father shouted while fumbling at a scab on his lower lip. We do not cull our own. He has become a disappointment to our family. But WE do not kill our own. We have come here to look upon you son, and now we will go and you will never see us again. From behind my head I heard the creaking of floor boards, saw the settling of dust and the twisting of leather. I felt air moving past my head the first time..and then the second time a loud crack and I was out..AGAIN.

((you’ve always got your back turned to something))

6.untitled

I came to in the same room that I was put in by my father and brother. The dust in this place had settled on me..on my face, on my knuckles..Split open and aching. Guess I must have tried to fight back. My brother hit me in my face, and aimed for vital organs as he kicked me in my ribs. He wanted me dead and my old man..well he decided that I was not worthy of a death at their hands. So I get up off the floor..and walk down stairs..not looking for clues. I walk straight ahead and am blinded by the sunlight as I step out into the open brushing my bloodied hands on old doors. Around this lonesome house I find nothing. No trees, no car..its just me and my broken bones and broken soul. The day was so hot everything around me danced in warped shapes of heat haze. I dare not look up at the sun for today the sun is angry and has vengeance in mind. I walk in the dirt and dust for what feels like minutes but appear to be hours as the sun forgives its enemies and begins to die down. Small bushes rub against my bare feet and a few thorns and pebbles hitch a ride.

At sunset I reach a tarred road snaking along a deserted endless horizon and at my right hand a road sign with but two letters left AK..the rest of the sign riddled with bullet holes from god only knows who points straight ahead. So I walk the road the long hard road all the while not thinking that I need to eat, that I need to sleep. All the while my father’s words “You will never see us again.” So untrue. For a man with such religious presence he sure had no issues telling lies. Do not doubt my desire for a truth father.

I would have passed out on that road if I hadn’t grown so tired of it. Slipping in and out of events had quickly become my pet hate. I see the flickering of lights in the distance and I begin to run..run towards the light like a deer..run towards the light like a disciple. The closer I get the more sound come towards me..at first a droning hum and the slipping of tires on the tarred road. Then the engines of two cars. I decide to run on the side of the road...later crawling in the dust and smallish shrubs which have now become my site of refuge.

I am close enough now to see an event unfold before my eyes...there are two cars..a large black van with green pinstriped flames running on either side of the engine.. and a piece of shit tan sedan I cannot identify.

I watch as a hunter observes the battle of two grizzlies as they rip each other apart for the dominance of a herd. For the time being while I wait for the battle to rage on I name the cars. The black van I call Arcturus and the sedan I call Gretel. They dance around one another as they slip like two drunken ice skaters across the road. Arcturus the chaser Gretel the chased.

I had watched so intensely at this scene, out of hunger for many things that I did not notice something alive circling around my body in the dirt. I turn over quickly, and facing me with a malcavian malevolence is a male wolf hair on end breathing savagely. I fumble for a rock or anything in the dirt to defend this life I do not understand this need to protect. In the sand I find nothing but more sand. The wolf turns around and lets out a howl that shatters my sensibilities and leaves me helpless as a bag of drowning kittens in a river rapid. From the shadows arise countless wolves all rabid and ready to release an evil on this place. The smell of mint and liquorice fills me once more as I cover my head to not see the morbid separation of my extremities.

But the wolves do not care for me or my revitalised sense of mortality..it is as if I am no longer a man but the same matter as the dust and dried sticks that make up the surface of this place. It is the battle of Arcturus and Gretel they care for. And as quickly as the wolves came they moved like hyper charged bolts of lightning directly into the battle of the two twisted steel giants that raged ahead.

I saw them disappear into dusted clouds and heard the crushing of bones and metal..I heard the howls of pain..from man animal and machine for minutes that seemed like hours. And then there was an unsettling silence. What I had just witnessed no one would believe if it were to be retold. I got up from the sand and moved towards the battle ground. It was my turn to have the hairs on my arms and legs raise up and my heart to race with unease.

I reach the carnage. There were no lives spared.

7. Birth

She was badly hurt and had barely escaped the place where she had lost her child. But now she floats in a state of nothingness. Warm and cold areas both soothing like a swimming pool on a lazy summer’s day. She moves her hands over her body from her face down her neck and over her breasts, fingertips brushing her nipples and down to her belly. Her hands do not move past her navel but begin to feel something wet and horrible. Where her stomach opens up and swallows her hands it is not the smooth sensation of skin covered in small hairs but a dirty open mess of insides and wherever she touches it hurts..its seers with pain. The warm white place she was floating in turns to a black piercing reality. Her head begins to ache and blood frees itself from her wound into the void. From far off into the distance of this place she hears shuffling. She can hear the sound of metal twisting nearer the sound moving towards her. Her body shakes like a child asleep in the back of a car on a long vacation trip. The horror she felt moments ago subsides slightly and she feels a sense of protection. She opens her eyes which at first do not give way..The light which went from white to black now begins to give out to colours...cool blues and violets with bursts of a dark red.

She remembers her escape:

She woke up with a pain in her left cheek, the muscle was tight with blood from crushed tissue. She tried to open her eyes but they wouldn’t. The more she tried to force them the more it burned…like spraying yourself in the face with pepper spray. The tears that tried to force their way out from behind her eyelids didn’t help either. She began focusing on her other senses to locate herself and her situation. It smelled like manure in this space…black and blue. She tried to shuffle her feet but she realised that she wasn’t sitting. She was tied at her ankles and wrists on something that kept her shaped like an x . She began to notice a cool breeze move from the bottom of the room up and over her body. She was naked. She became more acutely aware of her sense of touch. She could feel the varnish on the wood her body was pressed up against…the areas where her flesh had gone numb and the burning open skin under the restraints…her restraints…and her eyes still wouldn’t open or stop burning. It became clear that she was no longer sitting in the park watching the sunset.. that she was not on her way to John to tell him she accepted his offer to move in with him..against her mother’s wishes. She was nowhere near anything pleasant. A door opened…her eyelids changed from black to warm reds and oranges.. The cool air on her body was becoming warmer. “Hello!” whats going on here?” “Where am I”…nothing. Her heart racing faster. She felt compelled to direct her sense of touch to her face. There was someone or something there…warm breath was moving over her cheek and under her nose. The smell of mint entered her head. She could hear chewing and the gentle rattling of steel chains as they rubbed against one another. Something began to scratch the surface of her eyes as she shifted them from left to right. The burning only got worse.

Her tongue was pushed back in her mouth and her jaw was beginning to ache..she tried to shift her tongue but something was in the way. She tried to close her jaw but couldn’t. The thing in her mouth was hard rubber and round, her teeth ached. The shape was just the right size to fill the open space of her mouth. She started to panic and breathed harder through her nose…which was slightly blocked from hardened mucus. Everything felt and tasted wrong. The words she thought she had shouted out before never left her mind. She was a university honours major just a few months ago..and her John had just asked her to move in with him and everything was going great. On that day, the last day, she was on her way to his apartment.
She decided to walk against the wishes of her mother. John was a plain enough name, but didn’t match her man at all. The sun was so beautiful and she needed to be alone for one last afternoon before she told him. That she was going to have his child with him, in his house...against the wishes of her mother. It was then that she felt the hands on her belly..she could barely feel them but they were there. The smell of manure was not that at all but her own faeces.

She began to get the image of someone in her head…blurred…blurred…slowly coming into focus. A man…in his late forties a fresh cut across his lower lip. She remembered looking at him as he passed by her on the last day she remembers..she wouldn’t have noticed him if he hadn’t walked by so closely..so close she could smell the mint on his breath. She thought to herself as he walked by that he was not bad looking..and thinking that she shouldn’t be looking at other men minutes before she gave her decision to John.

Jst rlx…she heard the words rasp..as she heard them her heart skipped a beat…as she kept drifting in and out of that day…as the man passed her by…as she feared for her child unborn, and as she smelled the mint…as he disappeared that was it. That’s when she felt a sharp pain in her head. As the sun set in seconds…as everything went black and blue. She was falling, falling deeper. The slip of a knife against her skin, the sound of fluid hitting a floor and The fist cry of a child…but she was not lost to all..